A New Manifesto of Being

This blog is personal, that is to say it is about me. It exists to explore and expose my uncertainties in, and journey through, an unknown land, the place of Consciousness arising.

On Being an Expression of the "I" and "I Am"

When I say me, I am referring to the egoic, inherited, consciousness that exists in tandem (but not always in the perceptual experience of complete harmony) with That Which Arises. Before my awakening, there was a personality manifestation which I clung to with all the fervour and desperation of the truly drowning. This personality, so "unique" and distinct from all other personalities, was my thought idea of who I was. It was, as much as it clung to ideas of specialness and originality, not much more than a mirror reflecting the unconscious paradigm it existed in. A mirror, with a scratch here, and imperfection there, refracting the light, thereby, with a personality of its own, but just a mirror nonetheless.

Since my awakening, there has existed in me an "I" and an "I Am".

I have, as a rule, been pretty hard on the "I". Mostly, I have seen the "I" as an impediment to the "I Am"-something to be struggled against, ignored, devalued, and even despised. Even in this, expression of the "I", self-loathing, I reflect my paradigm and its traditional understandings. While there has been a general movement toward the glorification of the egoic self, deification in some new teachings, there is a much longer human tradition of seeing good as something outside of ourselves, whilst we struggle with our "sinful" or imperfect state. "What a worthless worm am I!"

Of course, as I become increasingly available to Life, as it manifests in Love, in the lessons of non-judgement  (by this I mean the idea that everything, whatever appearances, is the sacred expression of the Divine) and non-dualism, my annoyance with the "I", and devaluation of same, becomes a little ironic. Surely, everything, but everything, exists in Purpose and Perfection. Thus, my perceptual experience of manifesting both "I" and "I Am" became less marked by intense judgement and more by impatience. However, whether I am being dismissive of "I", or merely impatient to evolve (thus, judging my state and worth), whatever my "highest" aspirations, there is still an "I".

Before embarking on the events of last week, which seemingly  have formed the basis of a new understanding, a manifesto on the acceptance and conduct of the "I", allow me to suggest, as follows: Our human "imperfection" is an absolute and necessary part of the evolution of this planet. Our lostness, our egoic nature, even our "evil", have been utterly critical to creating the drama and struggle that is even now bringing forth, birthing, an epoch of unprecedented and unfathomably glorious reunited Being.

I have been blessed with occasions when I was shown this- how every breath, every action, every "mistake", and every "failure" was in the service of that great Perfection and Purpose. I have known myself, felt myself, beyond this "time" drama, and came to sense that I have chosen, volunteered, for the role I have played. Some of it was tough. And some of it felt as though it were beyond my capacity to suffer. Of course, the two worst things were living with the feeling that I was failing, of falling short by subjective, objective and eternal standards, and that latent sense of separation, of being cut-off from Love, which in the amnesia of my "lostness" felt like a great inconsolable longing and sorrow.

Nothing, in this business of awakening, is ever finished, at least not on this perceptual plane. It is a process that can unfold either in great waves of divine mystery, experienceable, but non-quantifiable, and, or, in revelation, and lessons. The challenge with the later is that a lesson can only be learned once you understand the "logic" from which it flows. In other words, the understandings of awakened Life do not arise from the assumptions, mindset and context of this egoic paradigm. They are not contrary, for that would be merely reactive and dualistic, nor are they an organic progression, a gradual improvement, but of quite another and unexpected substance. The good news is that they are not a puzzle to excite the monkey mind, but rather arise from a place of calm Knowing. The bad news is, as an awakened human we are not meant, at this time, to transcend, but rather, to stand astride these two perceptual realities, these two worlds and reconcile and restore them to each other.

Back to me. (For less personal, more "inhabited" writings, please visit my blog of teachings and consciousness writing, http://avtar-conciousness.blogspot.com/ . As of this date, you will find the first three parts of a work designed to offer anyone the experience of knowing who they are, who they really are, through the simple exercise of detachment and observation.) It is, exactly, of the sometimes uneasy co-relationship between the manifesting "I" and the emerging "I Am" that I wish to speak about here.

My Dilemma

Since my awakening, I have felt a calling. That my mission, or contribution to The Great Awakening, is to experience unfolding, in all of its mysteries, agonies, and bewilderments, then to write about it from a place of simplicity and calm. Not only to write, but, to do so in such a manner as to be so simple and clear as to leave the reader with the sense that, however divergent from their experience it might be, however subversive to the predominant paradigm, however previously unencountered, here is something they already know. (There is, I recall, a great Italian word for this,one with no direct equivalent in English. My efforts to relocate it have been in vain, so, if anyone comes up with it, let me know.) In short, I seek to write of these things in a manner that does not excite the mind (rather cools it with inevitability and logic) but offers an opportunity for That Which Dwells Within and Knows All Things to recognize and remember, saying "Ah!", thus, eliciting and encouraging Knowing That Arises: A resonance rather than remonstration. 

In the process of that sort of writing, a voice will often arise with a degree of certainty and imperative that I, as a person, would not engage in. For instance, the other day, I wrote on a site, "I declare an end to all beliefs, paths, and religion. All of these things have as their mistress the egoic mind. There is only Knowing!" Or, on occasion, I will find myself saying, "I tell you most solemnly...", or some such variation. In other words, from time to time, I purport to write with a voice beyond the limitations of my own personal knowing. And that's a whole bowl of uncomfortable-especially if I know that someone else will be reading it!

This, finally, brings me to the events of the first week of January.

The briefest of backgrounds (though I'll forgive your suspicion of me and the word brief) is that I was published as a 17 year old prodigy. I appeared in an anthology of Canadian poetry alongside such established lights as Marget Atwood, Earle Birney, Susan Musgrave, Bill Bisset, ad infinitum. My experience of that was so traumatic that I was never to write again, at least not for serious consumption, until my awakening almost three years ago. My breakdown and subsequent plunge into alcoholism was not precipitated by the comments of others (in fact, any kind comments I would have construed as condescension), but rather because of my own self-criticism, lack of confidence, and horror of scrutiny.

That was then. Of course, now, having consciousness of my true being, and Knowing of the Source from which my instructive writings emanate, having learned the lessons of non-attachment, that was surely all behind me. But, having made a decision to post some of my words where they may be seen, by few or many, the Ego emerged from one of its innumerable dark corners (I admit to always being surprised to see its temerity in persistence). I promptly feel into a "state". Surely, even though I knew the Source of these writings, my participation would make them somehow without worth. What about when persons more knowing, able, or educated (I left school in grade 9) read it. Would I not be shown for the fool I am? In deciding to post, I had made a further decision to send an e-mail in that regard to everyone I knew. People who knew me, had known me, in all my former imperfect Perfection. Even as I felt a commitment to that plan, I could hear the voices: "What the hell is he on about now?", or, "Who the hell does he think he is?". (I note the use of the word "hell" in both of these scripts I wrote for these others.)

I became very sad. My stomach felt perpetually on the verge of nausea. I became very quiet. I began to feel a trembling energy inside. I, also, felt very discouraged to again meet ghosts I was so certain had been laid to rest. For a day and a half, these feelings and energies arose in me without my being conscious of their source. Then, on the afternoon of the second day, I ran into a kindred spirit I had not seen for some time. Within moments I was in tears. "I thought I had come so much further", I managed through overwhelming emotion.

Later that same evening, I had supper with my partner and began to speak of these things,something I had not previously done. By the time we were done and walking I had become very agitated. "Who am I to say these things?", I cried. I explained how the things I was soon to say (see: The Objective vs. the Subjective: an Exercise in Experienced Consciousness Part 4, as it becomes available) would be directly contrary, or at best, a reinterpretation, to truths that were universally held, at least in the predominant culture. How could it be that Consciousness could choose such an unworthy and unlikely vessel. Was this not sheer madness? I became so emotional, so emotive, that Jan took me by the elbow and lead me away from the main street where I might emote in some dignity.

It was then the thought struck me, "Why don't I blog this?"! Surely, I am not the only one to feel the strangeness of his calling. I am not one, but one of many, or, perhaps, more accurately,

many of One. In any event, the idea of a personal blog, of speaking my experience out loud, did seem to dissipate my desperate energy.

The Meditation

Less than 36 hours, many thousands of words, and four dozen e-mails later, it was Saturday morning and I was where I love to be, at my One Consciousness Meditation group http://www.meetup.com/One-Consciousness-Network/calendar/list/ . This is, in brief, a place where we sit in meditation making a space for the Indivisible to arise, then speak afterwards as we are led to do (sort of like New Age Quakers!).

I was quickly caught up into a vision, one that would help to center, calm and remind me. One that would, once again lay to bed my fears and egoic attachments. In my meditation I saw a droplet of water made golden with the light of the sun. This droplet hung to the end of a dark green leaf, poised to fall. Inside this droplet, I saw a divine, robed, figure. Though I could make out no great detail of this figure, neither could I fail to note the quality of  The One in All. As I looked up to this drop, I noted that it was above me, I was below. I was a flower. As the golden drop broke free of the leaf's tenuous gravity, it touched my petal before splashing to the earth about my stem.  

As the drop broke across the ground the "God" it contained infused the soil from which I drew my sustenance. As I drew it up through my stem, the "God" infused my stem though it did not diminish or decrease the "God" in the soil. As my entire being was infused with this "God" essence, I remained a flower, but "God" as flower. In this meditation, a bee lit on me gathering nectar and pollen all now infused with this "God" substance. I will say that this feeling of the bee alighting and becoming of one essence was very moving to me. I felt tears welling up as I felt the utter Beauty and Purpose that I was graced to be a part of.

I noted some things as I sat in this vision. Things that spoke to the turmoil and uncertainties I had been experiencing. First that I was a flower. I no more chose to be a flower than I did plant the seed of what I was to become. Nor did I choose the place where I was planted. It was mine to, merely, know the joy of stretching to the sun, and to know the Grace of Life in and through me. And oh what Grace!

The second thing that was brought to my attention is how the infusion of "God" changed, at least in one sense, nothing. Water remained water, soil soil, the bee came and went, and I remained a flower. What did change, however, was I became aware of being flower and the utter perfect joy that is. To know "God" the meditation seemed to tell me, to have Peace in the Unfolding of Purpose, was merely to stand where you are planted, reach up to the warming sun, and feel, may you have ever the Grace to feel, the Life that flows through it all!

As the meaning of this meditation washed over me, I remembered that I am complete in Being. I do not even need struggle to be the "best flower I can be", as I am as I was created. I need not concern myself with the beauty of my blooms nor agonize over my production of pollen. Nothing is mine, other than to stretch toward that beautiful sky and be moved at the perfect suchness of I Am.

Arising out of that, I brought to my conscious attention a new manifesto of being. I will affirm to remember that I am Purpose created and Creator imbued. I will concern myself with nothing but the Joy of experiencing what has been afforded me. In this day, and in every other, I will conduct myself with gratitude, acceptance, humility and love.

And so I say, that until we meet again, may your every breath be Peace.